Binge Eating Junk Food Proven Effective Against Coronavirus

Credible scientific research now shows that binge eating junk food, especially foods containing mass quantities of refined sugars, is the only safe and effective treatment against the novel coronavirus. This treatment can be used on its own and there are no known interactions or contraindications. 

Feisty Little Fucker

The novel coronavirus (COVID-19) is a feisty little fucker that is named for its shape (corona indicating a crown or a halo); apparently being vaguely round and spiky (not to mention deadly!) merits a name that is associated with these fun things: the sun, kings & queens, and angels.

The novel coronavirus at first looks like a first grade painting of sunflowers, which is kind of adorable until you realize it’s AN INVISIBLE LUNG SLASHING MONSTER!

Little Spiky Tangents

I’d sooner have named it after this fruit:

Rambutan is a delicious fruit that comes in a dramatic casing that says, I’m sinewy, I’m juicy, and I can also be used as a part time Christmas ornament! 

Facts are Facts

This breakthrough research came to light after one infected patient stayed at home and ate nothing but Peeps® for fourteen days and had come out having cleared the virus and feeling stronger and healthier than ever. 

While some media outlets have suggested that this research is, well, half baked, the White House issued a strongly worded statement in favor of this novel treatment, adding:

“high sugar intake is the only cure for the novel coronavirus. We urge all our citizens to stockpile junk food now before it’s too late. The following foods are stated especially useful: twinkies, licorice drops, Kosher-for-Passover jelly rolles, Necco wafers, and candy corn.”

Official White House Press